The Fat Rant: A look into the past. Part I

Today, while cleaning under the couch, I found my old cruzer micro. My first reaction was 'SWEET!', because I had been missing it for months. I was excited to go through all my old files. Most excited, though, because I knew the drive had the only copies of my very painful, very passionate, rants from the years before.

When I opened it, I went straight to these rants, and opened the oldest one. The one called 'The Fat Problem'. What I read was a little shocking to me. I was reading the voice of a teenager in high school, only two years younger than myself. But her pain was so heartbreaking. I never realized it. Some how I had forgotten. But now I can tell that girl, who was so hurt before, that it is alright now. Even though I know that I am that girl, I still want to go back somehow and just hug her, hold her, and show her that there is nothing wrong with being who you are. Maybe if I had known that earlier, things would have been easier for me. Who knows?

"The Fat Problem"
By a 16-year-old Marissa

Age: 16
Height: 5'8-9"
Weight: 270-75 Pounds
Desired weight: 150-55 Pounds

Why I want to be skinny:
So I can find myself attractive.
To spite all the people that think I am disgusting because I am fat.
To prove that I can do it.
So I can wear nice clothes.
To be healthy.
So I can like myself.
So my confidence will go up.
So I won't be lonely.

How I plan to get skinny:
I don't know..
Exercise.
Eat less.
Eat healthy.
Walk more.
Drink more water.

What I want to do if I ever become skinny:
Cut my hair.
Get new clothes.
Like myself more...
I don't know.

WHY I think I am fat.
...
COMPETITION.
When I was younger...
I don't remember eating much.
But what I do remember about me eating...
I would... gorge.
And I would hate it.
I remember once..
My mother had just gotten back from the store.
My sisters and I were unloading the groceries and putting them away.
For some reason... I took the block of cheese she bought and hid it.
After we were done putting the stuff away I took the cheese, rode to the next street on my bike, and ate it, crying.
I think... I was afraid that someone would eat it before I could.
That I wouldn't get the chance to have any.
I still get that fear today..
I will hide food for later or I will eat something just so someone else won't eat it.
Does that make sense?
I don't know why.

I read once that people with eating disorders are usually people whose parents depraved them of food as a child.
I don't THINK that is my problem.
I think that I just wanted to be better at something than my sisters.
They got all the new clothes and attention.
They got new toys and friends and EVERYTHING.
I didn't want them to take the one thing I knew that I COULD have.
Food.

But at the same time.. for all I know..
I am just typing all this down to soothe me.
Maybe the fact of the matter is that I am fat, and I am ashamed of eating because I know that is what MADE me fat.
And that is what is KEEPING me fat.
Maybe I can change...
I can try, at least.

I will be honest. This little file, only 3KBs of text, on a long forgotten flash drive, made me cry. I think about the past a lot. But I had forgotten exactly how bad my self esteem had been then. Maybe it was because I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship, one with a guy who claimed to love me regardless. I do think that I blamed the break up on my weight. I really do. And I probably did.
I see now that, back then, I had all the things helping me to realize that fat hate isn't right. I knew that people judged me, made assumptions about me, because of my weight. But it was so ingrained in me that I was the wrong one. From kindergarten on I remember being told I was gross, ugly, stupid, all because of my weight.
I know now that it was wrong. It couldn't be any wronger. So I wanted to change. I'm happy that I didn't.
About the rant at the end. I do believe that is true, to some extent. It only holds truth and speculation. About me thinking that food made me fat, looking back on it now, I'm not so sure. I've been fat forever. Even looking at pictures of me as a two-year-old. But the causes of my disordered eating does start back there. What I had written years ago still makes some sense to me today.

I guess I'll have to think about it more.

Class time. (:
-Marissa